MBA Read online

  Published in 2015 by

  Lightning Books, an imprint of

  EyeStorm Media Ltd

  29 Barrow Street

  Much Wenlock

  Shropshire

  TF13 6EN

  www.lightning-books.com

  ISBN: 978-1-785630-05-7

  © 2015 Douglas Board

  Cover by Anna Torborg

  Climb Ev’ry Mountain by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II ©1959 Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II. Copyright renewed – extract used by permission of Williamson Music, a division of Rodgers & Hammerstein: An Imagem Company.

  What It Is a translation by Gwilym Williams of Es Ist Was Es Ist (Erich Fried, 1983) ©2009 Gwilym Williams. Used by permission of Gwilym Williams.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, organisations or companies is coincidental.

  The moral right of the author has been asserted. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Printed by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon CR0 4YY

  In Praise of MBA

  “A must read for anyone who enjoyed Franzen’s Freedom or Eggers’ The Circle.”

  Felicity Wood, Deputy Features Editor, The Bookseller

  “A wonderfully enjoyable dissection of the swirling currents of ambition, dissembling, power and fortune too often rationalised away in textbook accounts of ‘leadership’ … a rich satire nearer the bone of business than a lot of people would want you to think.”

  Simon Caulkin, management writer in Management Today, Financial Times Business Education and at simoncaulkin.com

  “Buy it, read it, then set a multiple answer exam on it. It’s a hoot.”

  Peter Sullivan, former Group Editor-in-Chief of Independent Newspapers South Africa

  “When the mindless, probably male, manager in your life puts you down, pick this up. Hilarious and spot on.”

  Sandra Burmeister, CEO Amrop Landelahni

  “By focussing his farce on the business schools he knows so well, Board updates the campus novel and takes a big swing at the insincerities inherent in the ideology of neo-liberalism.”

  CM Taylor, author of Premiership Psycho and Cloven

  “Board brings years of deep business experience and breathtaking wit to a La Cage aux Folles-like storyline which never lets the reader go longer than a paragraph without a smile … and more often, a guffaw.”

  John C Beck, author of Good vs Good, Japan’s Business Renaissance and The Attention Economy

  “Iconoclastic and LOL hilarious with an unrelieved bass-note of suspense, MBA unpick–s the fabric of leadership and interrogates the murky motives of the über-‘successful’.”

  Rosemary Lain-Priestley, author of Does My Soul Look Big In This? and Unwrapping The Sacred

  www.lol-mba.com

  @lol_mba

  CONTENTS

  FOREWORD

  BOOK ONE: THE TOWER

  MONDAY 11 JUNE (EVENING)

  MONDAY 11 JUNE (NIGHT)

  TUESDAY 12 JUNE & WEDNESDAY 13 JUNE

  WEDNESDAY 13 JUNE

  THURSDAY 14 JUNE

  FRIDAY 15 JUNE

  SATURDAY 16 JUNE (MORNING & AFTERNOON)

  SATURDAY 16 JUNE (DAY & EVENING)

  SUNDAY 17 JUNE

  MONDAY 18 JUNE

  TUESDAY 19 JUNE (MORNING)

  TUESDAY 19 JUNE (AFTERNOON)

  WEDNESDAY 20 JUNE

  BOOK TWO: THE OPENING

  MONDAY 9 JULY (MORNING)

  THURSDAY 21 JUNE (TO MID-AFTERNOON)

  MONDAY 9 JULY (LUNCHTIME)

  THURSDAY 21 JUNE (EARLY EVENING)

  MONDAY 9 JULY (AFTERNOON)

  THURSDAY 21 JUNE (NIGHT)

  AFTERWORD

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  LIGHTNING BOOKS

  A NEW CONCEPT

  WITH THANKS

  THE AUTHOR

  Foreword

  (recorded at Hampton Management College three years later)

  You’re recording now? Jeez. Well, I guess so. Can I call you Doug? Since we’ve learned a bit about each other now.

  I get it – a foreword from one of the characters. Some say the leading character. Speaking from the heart and telling it like it is: which is what leaders do. Feedback is, I’m pretty good at it. About two minutes’ worth, you say? (Pause.)

  None of us saw the banking crisis coming. Sure, I was ahead of most folks; I often am. But I’ve learned not to bullshit myself. Bullshitting yourself is a one-way trip; in God’s good time you find out no one’s selling returns. Remember the guy who made forty-six billion out of whatsmyname.com? Bill Szygenda. He bullshitted himself so much, he fooled the rest of us! But that’s another story – one you can read in my book Beyond Easy, Beyond Difficult.

  But look at it another way: the future is inevitable. It’s staring us in the face. All we have to do is recognise it.

  Hampton was zilch. Educationally, it was a trash can in the back street of a ghetto. For twenty years folks had dumped second-raters, third-raters and worse kinds of shit in it. But I saw a team hungry to be world-class. Starving. All they needed was leadership.

  Today, the stars of the future know about Hampton. I mean – tomorrow’s really bright kids in tomorrow’s places, in Shanghai, in Togo, in Buenos Aires. Right here’s where they want to study. Ahead of Harvard. Ahead of CEIBS. Read the surveys, do the math.

  Why? Because today, Hampton is synonymous with telling the truth. And integrity is the key issue for business in the twenty-first century. Just get alignment around integrity – talking straight, thinking straight, feeling straight – and amazing things will happen.

  This is the story of how we did that and how we hit a few home runs along the way. You know – doubled the number of doctors in the NHS and saved the world’s banking system.

  Here’s the thing: those man-on-the-moon achievements depended on totally unseen people. This book will show you those unseen people. That’s why I was tickled pink to become a Commander of the British Empire. What a neat idea –an empire you can’t see to honour the people you can’t see. Personally, as I told Her Majesty, it was a big enough honour just to spell ‘honour’ with a ‘u’!

  The bottom line? The only thing that will save us from the next crisis is what we’ve learned from this one. And what we’ve learned is, in the twenty-first century, leadership and learning are the key business issues.

  Alongside integrity. And the environment.

  Professor William C Gyro CBE

  Deputy Governor of the Bank of England

  Chairman of the United Nations Task Force on Leadership and emeritus Dean, Hampton Management College

  BOOK ONE

  THE TOWER

  MONDAY 11 JUNE (EVENING)

  London is being re-made. In 10 weeks the city’s mop-topped mayor, a one-man Beatles revival with added bleach, will wave the Olympic flag in Beijing’s stadium. Back home, the construction of a 21st-century stadium and velodrome has already begun. But the city’s re-making is much more than this.

  The first re-making is up. Skyscrapers are sprouting on the city’s face like a fungus. Southwark Towers – 24 floors o
f offices next to the southeast rail terminus – is being demolished. In four years’ time the 87 floors of the Shard will take its place. If you’re going places in London, you’re going up.

  Ben Stillman is going up. He’s barely 30 and he’s chief of staff to a billionaire.

  The city is being remade back towards its centre. In places like Johannesburg, after the rich moved outwards they sent removal vans back in to take their jobs with them. But most of the jobs that matter in London are still in the centre, and the people with money have come back to hug those jobs more closely. In London, the centre is the place to be.

  Where Ben’s at in his career could not be more central. He is the hub of 26,000 people labouring worldwide in everything from chemicals and agriculture to re-insurance. Ben is Alex Bakhtin’s right hand.

  The third reshaper of London is glass. All the new towers are glass from top to bottom. Welcome to a new kind of power, which sees all and displays all. It has no need to hide. Perhaps this power is modern and clean, democratic and accountable. But then a gust blows, a cable slips and a window cleaner’s fingers get caught in the winching gear. As detergent and blood smear the glass, we glimpse something older. The cable that once suspended a human halfway between heaven and earth was the divine right of kings.

  All-glass palaces: London’s new way to tell passers-by that they count for shit. You’re welcome to look in, because you’re so lowly that what you see has no consequence.

  ---

  A cloudless June evening was beginning as Ben’s car crawled round London’s traffic-choked concrete corset. Given the priceless treasure he was carrying, he had thought about arranging a police escort; Bakhtin Enterprises had that kind of clout. But how embarrassing to drive an Audi with state-of-the-art LED running lights at only 30 miles an hour, surrounded by flashing blues. Knowing his luck someone would see him and post the picture on YouTube.

  YouTube – now that was a business! Founded when Ben had been in the final months of his MBA, and sold for $1.6 billion 18 months later. What a time to be alive; what a time to be in business!

  Of course, the other side of business was the gobbledygook that the bankers had produced for tomorrow’s meeting in Paris. How complicated could borrowing 700 million be? Quite complicated, if the bankers had dreamt up that you should pay the interest on some Chilean mining equipment while the Chilean government paid the interest on your frozen orange juice.

  After turning off the main artery from London, Ben’s blood pressure rose. Not so much on the first part of the way to Hampton – small place, little traffic – as on the country road beyond. This snaked left and right and up and down. One unexpectedly sharp turn tapped the package in the back seat against a rear door, which made the driver anxious. This priceless package was a faux-Louis XIV chair made entirely of glass, one of Alex Bakhtin’s wilder ideas for a present.

  From the top of Pynbal’s Ridge he headed down towards the lake and the college buildings of Hampton. Driving this way during his MBA, often the view had been cloaked in the dark of evening or winter. The valley’s contents had eventually opened themselves to his gaze, modestly picturesque and unmemorable. But back then he had been driving a second-hand Mondeo that had made everything ordinary; now he was parting the forests of larch and silver birch in a sleek and alchemical beast.

  The lake, narrow but with the evening sun glinting off its length, resembled a drawn sword. The dean’s white house and the main two-level brick buildings were the handle, but now the handle was dwarfed by something new. A five-storey spore from outer space had landed, currently cloaked in scaffolding, hoardings and canvas wrappings. The new tower, presumably. The college had got a new dean and the new dean had got a new tower.

  Looking back, Ben could not imagine how green he had been when he had started his MBA at the age of 25. Some of the teaching had been dire, but he had only paid thirty-five thousand to attend a second-division school. The main thing had been the business opportunities those three letters after someone’s name could open up. The new dean imported from America was good news for Ben. Hampton was climbing the rankings and its alumni’s careers were climbing with it.

  Ben’s mind wandered and the Audi wandered a little with it. So much so that he almost drove into a silver Lexus stopped around a bend. The air bed improvised behind Ben’s seat did its job, cushioning 19 kilos of solid glass.

  The rear window of the Lexus slid downwards. Above a green pashmina beamed the well-kept face of a woman who had been in her forties for perhaps 15 years. Her walnut hair, shoulder-length, was luxuriant to the point of deserving European environmental protection.

  ‘You must be Ben,’ she said. ‘Hampton’s golden boy returns. This is all my fault. I was telling Greg –’

  She indicated the young man beside her. The driver was part blond, part jet-black, with gas-flame eyes, hair gel and an earring. He had about 20 years on the clock. An explanation of why Greg had stopped on the crown of the road looked as unlikely as an apology for escaping from a Hitler Youth boy band.

  ‘– that we absolutely must be back for your speech. And we will. I hope the chair is all right.’

  Ben glanced at the back seat. As far as he knew, only the dean at Hampton was aware of what he had been so gingerly ferrying from central London. So the woman now disappearing in his rear-view mirror must be Dianne Peach-Gyro, the dean’s wife.

  Ten minutes later, the mover and shaker himself came out of the front door of his house to welcome the college’s returning hero. And why not? Bakhtin was gifting the college not just a glass chair but three million pounds, and Ben was his trusted courier. Gyro was an energetic 55 and over six feet tall, not counting the charcoal eyebrows that arched like a burger chain. Ben would pick him as a doubles tennis partner, no questions asked. A thick lacquer of superficiality might sit on top, but underneath Ben warmed to someone who so obviously got one hell of a lot done.

  They shook hands. ‘Safe trip?’ Gyro asked.

  ‘I was flashed a few times on the main road, but otherwise no problems at all.’ Ben opened the Audi’s rear door.

  ‘You leave it right there, we’ll take care of that baby.’ Gyro ran one hand through his hair as if to stop it receding like the polar ice caps. ‘You graduated here, when? Just before I arrived?’

  ‘Yes, three years ago.’

  ‘And now you’re Alex’s chief of staff. That’s damn good. Hampton needs more of you and, you know what –’ Gyro gestured at the scaffolding on the other side of the college building, ‘if I have anything to do with it, Hampton’s going to get them.’ Gyro clapped Ben on the shoulder. ‘What d’you say? A quick whisky, just a baby one, to steady the nerves?’

  Ben smiled and shook his head. He wasn’t nervous. He had stood in for Alex Bakhtin so many times that he could do it falling off a log. In fact, of the two Ben was the better speaker.

  Of course with hindsight Ben should have been nervous. But come on, how could he have known what would shortly transpire?

  ---

  Sixty minutes later the glass chair had been removed from the Audi and taken inside, where it radiated boldness to the 50 people in the room. Ben flipped the pages of Alex’s speech notes but he wasn’t looking at them. He was paid enough to know Bakhtin’s life and leadership philosophy by heart.

  The courtesies and apologies were complete. The dean had been thanked for his hospitality. The dean’s secretary had been thanked, with the flowers that she had been told to organise for herself. The audience wanted to hear the thoughts of the charismatic entrepreneur Alex Bakhtin. They craved vowels that surged with the power of fortunes made, consonants that broke on the wreckage of lesser sums lost. Ben began:

  ‘No less today than when I started, I teach my managers that the foundation of successful business is always people. Not any people, but those selfless people and their teamwork who create any business, any result, any human achievement whatsoever.


  ‘On the farm where I was brought up, harvest time was hard. We rose at five and did not finish until midnight. Of course that was a business lesson – to work hard. But every farmer works hard. Yet not every farmer’s child produces a business of international distinction.

  ‘The difference lay in the workers we hired and how we treated them. Every harvest evening, my mother prepared food under the trees. Grilled fish or eggplants as big as houses – the ovens did not stop as long as our workers were still coming. Ten o’clock in the evening, eleven o’clock, still they were coming. The selfless workers. We ate with them, of course – another business lesson. And they ate their fill.

  ‘I particularly remember the time when a son was born to one of our foremen. Without a word being said, my mother had already begun to roast a suckling pig. That foreman was a selfless worker. He worked the harvest the very day his son was born.

  ‘Around midnight I would help my father clear the table. We fed the leftovers to the dogs. “Son,” my father said to me one time, “have you seen any dogs better fed than ours?”

  ‘“None, father!” I replied. “None in the whole world.”

  ‘“You are right!” he exclaimed. “But remember, they only feed after the selfless workers have had their fill.”

  ‘So this is what I teach my managers. Your shareholders have sharp teeth. I am one of them. We are dogs. We want to be the best-fed shareholders in the whole world. But only after your selfless workers have eaten their fill.’

  Ben paused to let some of the eyes in his audience moisten. As he did so the crowd at the back of the room parted to admit the walnut-haired woman, still striking in a green pashmina, but now sparkling with diamonds.

  ‘Distinguished professors and scholars of business, I fear that my working-man’s philosophy is not worthy of you. But tonight I am so appreciative of the honour that you extend to me – and also to my tragically deceased wife – by establishing this new Chair of Selfless Leadership in her name.’